So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
