My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
