Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
