I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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