I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
