At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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