Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
