we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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