would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
