the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
