i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
