I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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