my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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