tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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