I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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