I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
