You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
jump out the window naked night went bad
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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