i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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