I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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