there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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