I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
