The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
