Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
