Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
