Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
