I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
