There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
