Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
