I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
