Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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