I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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