I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
