By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
