Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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