Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
