For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
