I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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