Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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