im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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