the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
