The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
