honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everyone says I win the strip club
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
