"it" just moved
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
