So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
