fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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