You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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