Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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