I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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