im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
