Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
