I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
